Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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