She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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