So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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