We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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