K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
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SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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