So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
