Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
