You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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