I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
