fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She bit a glass in half.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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