I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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