I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
