I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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