oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
