I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
