My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The best revenge is premature balding
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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