Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
