I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just want to make out with him forever
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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