turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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