I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
