I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
