You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i think i have two assholes
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
