I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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