just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
