I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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