I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
