sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
