I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
