What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MIDGETS
????
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
