It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
