lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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