So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
