I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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