I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
