i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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