Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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