I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
