in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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