I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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