I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
