Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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