I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
