So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
