Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
