nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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