I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
