I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
