He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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