Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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