I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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