I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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