If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
