come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
