I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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