I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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