I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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