Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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