Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
